Chapter 25: Porthos

Summary

     This is a very long chapter, but one of those chapters that makes me wonder why everyone isn’t reading this novel. It starts off with d’Artagnan pouring out his troubles to M. de Treville, and asking him what he should do about Madame Bonacieux. M. de Treville advises him to go on with his journey, and not worry about her – he promises to look into the matter and rescue her. Yet again, M. de Treville is a great father figure; he calms d’Artagnan down, tries to fix his problems, and makes sure he does not lose focus. D’Artagnan heads to his apartment, but is again stopped by an overly friendly M. Bonacieux (now that he’s gotten so annoying, every time his name is mentioned I think of Athos’s wonderful “Bah!” when he called M. Bonacieux tiresome in jail). During the course of their passive-aggressive conversation, they both point out the mud on each other’s shoes, and d’Artagnan ‘reproaches’ him for being out at night when he has a pretty wife at home. Suddenly, d’Artagnan realizes what I figured out a chapter ago – M. Bonacieux was one of his wife’s kidnappers! He leaves M. Bonacieux in a hilariously weird way. D’Artagnan says that he needs to go have his shoes cleaned by Planchet, and if M. Bonacieux liked, he could send Planchet down to clean his shoes too. M. Bonacieux is kind of stunned, and ponders this oddly angry delivery of such polite words as d’Artagnan leaves to go inside his room.

     Planchet is in a state of great fright when d’Artagnan enters his apartment. Apparently, the head of the cardinal’s guards came to summon d’Artagnan when he was at M. de Treville’s! Clever Planchet realized that the guy was trying to arrest d’Artagnan, and immediately lied, saying that d’Artagnan was out of town and has left the day before. He explains that if d’Artagnan wants, he can just claim Planchet was lying and not get himself into trouble. D’Artagnan is glad at his servant’s quick thinking, and they decide to leave. D’Artagnan has Planchet get four horses ready, and instructs him to leave by a different route and meet him at a nearby hotel. Planchet sarcastically asks d’Artagnan if he thinks they will travel faster with four horses. D’Artagnan, irritated, explains that the others are for the Musketeers and their servants. D’Artagnan misses the three Musketeers, and Planchet misses the three servants. Aw, I hope they find everyone!

     The two meet up soon, and ride together. Dumas humorously comments that Planchet is more courageous by day than by night, but his sensibleness never deserts him. He remembers what happened last time they set off on a journey, and keeps those lessons close to his heart. In fact, he treats everyone they meet as an enemy, and does not pick fights. He also carries his hat in his hand just to be extra courteous, in order to avoid fights. D’Artagnan is embarrassed by his companion’s politeness, and tries to no avail to get him to stop. Presently, they reach the tavern/hotel in which Porthos was left behind. There, d’Artagnan gets into the owner’s good books by flattery and charm. It works, and they get to talking about traveling. D’Artagnan then casually brings up the subject of Porthos, and is surprised that the owner knows him by name, and what’s more, Porthos is still there! D’Artagnan is taken aback that his companion chose to stay in the hotel. The owner then tells d’Artagnan what happened to Porthos. Porthos lost the duel with the stranger shamefully, and got badly wounded. He lay in bed all day, occupying the hotel’s best room, and lived it up. Worse, he lost the sum of money d’Artagnan gave him by gambling, and cannot pay the hotel owner. He keeps writing to his mistress, hoping she will give him money. The hotel owner was so anxious for the overdue payment that he went to Porthos’s mistress just to see who she is. Bafflingly, she is an unattractive old lady. The owner also reports that Mousqueton is back, and takes all the good food in the hotel to give to Porthos. D’Artagnan explains that Mousqueton is very devoted and intelligent. The hotel owner laments that with any more intelligence and devotedness, he will be broke. Ha! D’Artagnan now pities Porthos for his stubbornness and recklessness, and is curious to see him. He enters Porthos’s chamber, only to see a luxurious room, furnished ornately, with Mousqueton busily cooking a delicious looking stew.

     D’Artagnan has to pretend that he does not know what happened to Porthos, so Porthos tells him a fabricated version in which he defeated his foe, but sprained his knee and is waiting for his mistress to bail him out. To spare his pride, d’Artagnan does not question the tale, and instead has a nice chat with Mousqueton. Mousqueton is amazing, and jumps way up my list of favorite characters because of this chapter. First, d’Artagnan cordially tells Mousqueton that he should give Planchet cooking lessons. Then Mousqueton launches into a story of how his father was a poacher in his spare time. D’Artagnan inquires what he did for a living, and Mousqueton explains that when his father was young, the Catholics and Huguenots were always fighting. So, when he saw a Huguenot, he pretended to be a Catholic and stole the Huguenot’s money. When he saw a Catholic, he pretended to be a Huguenot and stole the Catholic’s money. He met an unfortunate end when he encountered a Huguenot and a Catholic who banded together against him. True to his principles, he made Mousqueton’s older brother a Huguenot, and Mousqueton a Catholic. Good lord, this is hysterically funny. D’Artagnan then asks Mousqueton where he got his wine from.

     D’Artagnan asks if the hotel owner supplies the wine, and Mousqueton answers ‘yes and no.’ He explains that the owner supplies the wine, but he does not know that he supplies the wine. D’Artagnan, fascinated at this wise servant, interrupts and urges him to explain himself. Mousqueton, in a dignified manner, tells him to be patient (oh snap!), and then launches into a story about his servant friend that once worked for a Spaniard on a ship, who lassoed things. This is going to be good. Mousqueton’s servant friend taught him the art of lassoing, and he became an expert. So, when Porthos wanted drinks, Mousqueton made a lasso, and crept down to the locked cellar. He put the lasso through the ventilation hole, and lassoed bottles of wine. D’Artagnan, now a wiser man, watches Mousqueton and Porthos eat in stunned silence. Eventually, he decides that once Porthos gets money from his mistress, he will be fine, so he ought to move on and seek Athos and Aramis. D’Artagnan leaves a horse for Porthos, tells Planchet to learn to cook from Mousqueton one day, and sets off.

Reaction

     This was an immensely long chapter, but I have no regrets. Mousqueton is incredibly great, and I loved how impressed d’Artagnan is by him. That whole scene is hilarious. I now know about lassoing wine! Seriously, why isn’t this book more popular among youth these days? :)

     Favorite line: “Our host has a well-furnished cellar the key of which never leaves him; only this cellar has a ventilating hole. Now through this ventilating hole I throw my lasso, and as I now know in which part of the cellar is the best wine, that's my point for sport.” WINE-LASSOING!